Big Feelings Overload: The Art of Co-regulation and De-escalation

During our lifelong goal of growth and learning, we spend a lot of time trying to understand ourselves and people around us. Emotional intelligence is crucial in development, social norms, and our relationships. And yet, it can be hard for many to understand their tendencies, their habits, and their calming strategies. So just what is emotional regulation and how do we help our youth with it when we as adults are still learning?

Emotional regulation is the process of knowing, acknowledging, and processing our feelings. On this path we should understand the process of how the emotions developed and what we can do to relax if the feelings have started to become overwhelming. Notice how the goal here is not to avoid the feeling or to try to remove it completely. Some feelings might come with a level of discomfort but all feelings are valid and serve a purpose (at least temporarily).

If a feeling is overwhelming, a coping skill can be utilized. There are many of these options available but generally I recommend that they are quick, we feel confident using them, and that they don’t require special devices. Some examples might include deep breaths, progressive muscle relaxation, taking a walk, a list from A to Z, etc.

Every person might become dysregulated where emotions take over and become the only focus. At this time, the individual is not able to focus on small details, think logically, and rationalize. This process may be extra noticeable with our youth where they may tend to break social norms and have less ability to self regulate. While this process is typically developmentally normal and apart of learning, adults can still help with the process.

Communication - we want to focus our language to be clear, short, and light. This is not the time to over-communicate and over explain. 

Security - We can highlight safety at this time by staying within glance, giving clear plans, and trying to stay relaxed. We want to try to keep a relaxed voice tone and posture at this time. It is not the time to focus on consequences.

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Co-regulation - As emotions and tensions rise, it can be difficult for our children and adults to release the energy.  Taking deep breaths together, holding a hand, giving a long hug, blowing bubbles, taking a walk, etc. are just a few examples on how we can connect together and lower related stress. 

If the child is dysregulated, it would be difficult to teach some of these techniques in the moment so I highly recommend practicing these tools when everyone is cool, calm, and collected.  One of my favorites as as follows:

Mirror or assist the child in shaking it out, rolling it out, jumping it out, laughing it out, hugging it out.  Based on physical space, location, temperament, and relationship these examples can be switched out or adjusted. ​

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​The aftermath - After the big emotions have diminished, there is a recovery period. This is an opportune time to continue emotional regulation, allow for rest, make relationships repairs, and process events. You and your child might find yourself to be more hungry, tired, and thirsty at this time. It takes our body a lot of energy to stay so heightened so let’s be kind to ourselves and those around us.

Find this helpful and looking for more resources? While there are many great examples online and in social media, it is best practice to find therapist or similar professional to give individualized plan and resources for you.

Stay well,

Author

Megan Bowling, M.A., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has been in the mental health field for more than ten years and is passionate to share mental health wellness strategies.